Follow up

I just wanted everyone to know, since you were all so nice about my last post, that yesterday Robert and I went to the temple. I can't say that everything I've felt and still feel has been resolved, but I do feel better. I feel calm. I think that every time I start to feel the way I did I'll make a trip to the temple. There's no better place to try to understand His plan for you. I love being that close with my Heavenly Father. Thanks again everyone for your words of encouragement.

A moment of self pity...

Before I start complaining too much, I just want to say that I am so grateful for the family that I have. I have been blessed with a great family to grow up in, an awesome in-law family (they are terrific people and I hope I do as well as they did raising my own children), and I have a marriage that is strong with a man who helps me become better, and a son that makes me so happy. I look at him lately and almost start tearing up he's such a good boy.

I am so lucky but lately I feel a little empty. I hope I don't make my troubles seem too terrible and hard because I know there are others out there who would love to have what I have and cannot have, specifically a child. Nate is wonderful and hard and gratifying everyday but I've wanted another for a while now and it just hasn't happened. It hasn't quite been a year since we thought enlarging our family was the right thing to do. We finally had a little luck just before our move here to Idaho, but I lost that one. My hands are shaking just thinking about it. It's been hard to watch my sweet little niece everyday because I can't help but think that I should have one of my own growing in me. I would be about due right now if the baby had lived. I comfort myself by thinking about all the weight I'm saving myself from working off or the discomfort of the third trimester. It's even comforting to pull out my clothes that are fitted and wear them in sizes I haven't worn since before Nate was born but it doesn't last very long. I want another one.

Last night I was really blue and Robert kept asking until he pulled it out of me. He told me he's felt it too but if it had happened it would have been extremely difficult due to circumstances that we didn't know were waiting here for us. I know that and I have faith that Heavenly Father knows when it will be best for my family more than I will. It's part of His plan for us to be a family of three right now. I looked at Robert and told him that I thought we waited too long and we missed out window of opportunity. Honestly, we put it off for so long for selfish reasons and now I'm so sorry. My reasons seem so shallow right now. I feel like I've learned my lesson. I went to bed and wet my pillow with just a couple tears.

The reason I'm writing this out is that I want my thoughts and feelings recorded so that I can remember them later in life. I like to think that Nate and possible future children will wish to know how I felt and thought at times when things were difficult for me personally and even more importantly, how I coped. Growing up my mother was very internal and never complained about her life. She bore her trials beautifully and still does but it's only since I've become an adult that she's shared her feelings during those times. I have found that I am more like my mother since she's opened up. We grow stronger through the examples of those we respect and love.

As previously mentioned, I know how I have been blessed and I know that if this is it for me I'll be fine. I have so much more than I thought I could ever have in my marriage and Nate. I don't think there is anything medically wrong with me so when the time is right we might be able to add to our family. I just wanted to record a moment, a very small moment in my life, where I've learned a few things about myself. I think my maternal nature is stronger than I ever imagined, I am stubborn and selfish sometimes and I'm trying to get better at that, and above all I need have faith that the Lord knows what's best for me and I need to be able to be at peace with that until He further reveals to me what my path is here in this life. Until that comes, I pray that the Spirit will be with me and continue to teach me.

Another battle lost

Our family has had a recent addition and we love it. Robert's been looking to add to our little family for a couple of years now, but it was never the right time. The stars we never quite aligned. Well, this past Saturday every duck was in a row and we ended up bring home this...
It's an LG70. Robert has been trying to be a very patient man and has been begging for a new TV for forever. He spent hours researching and looking for the best deals. There have been many a sale that have come and gone because I just wouldn't get on board. What can I say? He wore me down, I grew weary, I gave up, I threw in the towel. I couldn't resist any longer. All Robert's wildest dreams came true. It's a 42" that takes up a massive amount of space in our living room. Sigh. What can a girl do?

Sure, we actually get all the major broadcast stations now (we didn't even get CBS before) and I can get a clear picture of all the PBS stations, which I love. The picture is amazing. For anyone who knows (or cares) it's got a 120 Hz processor so the picture is incredibly clear. Robert geeked out and watched all his favorite movies on it (did I mention he got a new Blu-ray player, too?) all afternoon yesterday. He made a special trip to Best Buy so he could get the movies he'd been holding out for in Blu-ray. How many times can you watch the same scene from the Dark Knight? If you're Robert... many, many. It's okay though because he was really happy and entertained. I love to see him so excited, but it makes me wonder when the excitement is for a piece of electronics.

I know I'm not the only one out there who has a husband with a dream wish list of electronics that is just out of this world. I don't really even get it. They become the focal point of every room in homes these days and I think it's excessive. We should make people and conversation the focal point instead of a TV. Now my 3 year old has his own TV and DVD player in his room. I NEVER had a TV in my room and I don't think they belong in bedrooms at all. I think they are too distracting. Why do we have to have all that stuff anyway? I guess I need a little more testosterone flowing through my body.

Disclaimer: I have an amazing husband. He is a good man. He's not a complete dork who spends all his free time playing with electronics. If there is one thing about him that I love it's his persistence. He was persistent in getting me and he's persistent in getting everything else he sets a goal for. Whether that's his future spouse, his education, or the things he gets to fill his home. He was so sweet when he finally finished all the paper work for the TV. He had a gift card that he handed to me and said I got to go pick out our first Blu-ray to try out on our new TV and Blu-ray player. It was 27 dresses and he endured it beautifully. He also agreed to do the dishes all weekend after we brought the TV home. So, you can see I've benefited off this purchase as well. :)

Christmas and New Year's

For whatever reason, I've had a terrible time getting my pics loaded onto Blogger of our Christmas and New Year's. Everything is out of order and kinda confusing, but hopefully you'll be able to follow along.

For New Year's we had a couple of our friends from Arizona, Rebecca and Ryan Greer, come to visit us here in Idaho. I was so worried about all the snow and them freezing but luckily it had all melted by the time their plane landed. Not too long after they left we got our second hit of huge snow storms. I think the Greers need to come back to make this batch melt! :) I'm convinced it's the Arizona heat they brought with them that made it all melt the first time.
The last night they were here we pulled out the Guitar Hero. We had so much fun and it was one of the first times they had ever played. They did great and we had a blast being rock stars!

Becky and Ryan have two kids, Miriam (who stayed behind in AZ with her grandparents), and Ben. He was a lot of fun to have around and he was really well behaved for being so far from home and in a place he didn't recognize.

On New Year's Day, Becky convinced me we needed to go get pedicures. What a great idea! We left the kids with the dads and escaped for a few hours. We are grateful for husbands who will let us do that! I have to say that this was my first real pedicure and it was marvelous! It was so relaxing I could have fallen asleep in my chair. Oh, it was so nice! I told Becky I would have to make it a more regular thing. Now I just have to convince Robert it's in my best interest to go get regular pedicures. Wish me luck with that one! :)

On the day that the Greers landed in Boise we spent our last evening with Robert's family who had come to visit for Christmas. That night we decided to go to the Botanical Gardens in Boise. They light them up with Christmas lights. It was pretty cold and poor Ben didn't enjoy it one bit. My sister Liz and her family were there that night, too, along with Robert's brother CW and his wife Amy. It was a party!
Charlie and Sandi are also from AZ (the Greers are actually in their ward back home) and I don't think Sandi loved the cold weather here. I really didn't think it would get this cold, either. I guess I've been away too long. We loved having Robert's family close with us this Christmas. Charlie and Sandi stayed with us in our little apartment. I think Nate was the only thing that made that bearable for them. I mean, how comfortable can an air mattress for a week really be?
Big goofy group picture. From left to right: Becky, Me, Charlie, Sandi, CW, Amy and Ryan.
I had to throw this one in. It's Jason with my niece Maggie. How cute is she? Adorable, that's how cute! I LOVE being able to watch this little girl 4 times a week.
Of course it's Grandma and Grandpa Ross's job to spoil Nate when they come to town. He has loved these Lightning McQueen sandals since he'd first seen them at the beginning of the summer. Well, planning ahead, I'd already bought sandals for him the year before using a 2 for 1 deal at the Children's Place. So we always had to tell him, "No, honey, you don't need them." He was a good sport most of the time and would just wear them in the store and before we'd check out he'd put his Lightning McQueen sandals down for a nap until the next time we visited Target. When we went to Target with Charlie and Sandi, Sandi ended up getting them for him and he loves them! He asks to wear them all the time and we have to tell him, "Not until the snow melts and it's not wet outside." Poor guy, is he ever going to get to wear his favorite shoes? Until the days are dry and warm he'll just have to settle for wearing them inside the apartment.
So Christmas Day morning was spent at my parents' house. We were really spoiled this year. My mom has a hard time not going all out for Christmas. She plans all year for it. So this year after she found out Robert's family Dutch Ovens like pros, she got him one for Christmas. He was so excited and so happy to get it. No, we haven't used it yet, but he also got a recipe book full of Dutch Oven recipes from his dad so we're anxious to try it out.
This Christmas, for me, was the year of the shoes. I think I got at least 5 new pairs. It's true I love shoes and I'll never turn a pair down but this was almost like a dream come true. This was the fourth pair. My mom got them for me and I love the ankle strap. Of course they are high heeled and fabulous!
This is my favorite picture of the whole holiday season this year. On Christmas Eve at the Kunz household everyone opens one gift. Usually it's pj's but my mom went out of the box this year and got Nate this giant stuffed Mater car. It's so soft and the inside is a blanket Nate can pull out. Needless to say Nate sleeps with his new Mater every night. I will never forget his voice and how excited he was when he realized it was Mater. I heard "Mom, it's big!" and "Mom, it's so heavy!" all night. What a home run gift. Great job Grandma Kunz.

Hopefully everything being in reverse order wasn't too confusing but I just didn't have it in me to try to fix after such a battle to download the pictures! I hope everyone had a great holiday season with friends and family. We loved it here and felt so blessed to share it with all the people we love.

And just think... It's only 350 more sleeps 'til Christmas! (What movie?)