Before I start complaining too much, I just want to say that I am so grateful for the family that I have. I have been blessed with a great family to grow up in, an awesome in-law family (they are terrific people and I hope I do as well as they did raising my own children), and I have a marriage that is strong with a man who helps me become better, and a son that makes me so happy. I look at him lately and almost start tearing up he's such a good boy.
I am so lucky but lately I feel a little empty. I hope I don't make my troubles seem too terrible and hard because I know there are others out there who would love to have what I have and cannot have, specifically a child. Nate is wonderful and hard and gratifying everyday but I've wanted another for a while now and it just hasn't happened. It hasn't quite been a year since we thought enlarging our family was the right thing to do. We finally had a little luck just before our move here to Idaho, but I lost that one. My hands are shaking just thinking about it. It's been hard to watch my sweet little niece everyday because I can't help but think that I should have one of my own growing in me. I would be about due right now if the baby had lived. I comfort myself by thinking about all the weight I'm saving myself from working off or the discomfort of the third trimester. It's even comforting to pull out my clothes that are fitted and wear them in sizes I haven't worn since before Nate was born but it doesn't last very long. I want another one.
Last night I was really blue and Robert kept asking until he pulled it out of me. He told me he's felt it too but if it had happened it would have been extremely difficult due to circumstances that we didn't know were waiting here for us. I know that and I have faith that Heavenly Father knows when it will be best for my family more than I will. It's part of His plan for us to be a family of three right now. I looked at Robert and told him that I thought we waited too long and we missed out window of opportunity. Honestly, we put it off for so long for selfish reasons and now I'm so sorry. My reasons seem so shallow right now. I feel like I've learned my lesson. I went to bed and wet my pillow with just a couple tears.
The reason I'm writing this out is that I want my thoughts and feelings recorded so that I can remember them later in life. I like to think that Nate and possible future children will wish to know how I felt and thought at times when things were difficult for me personally and even more importantly, how I coped. Growing up my mother was very internal and never complained about her life. She bore her trials beautifully and still does but it's only since I've become an adult that she's shared her feelings during those times. I have found that I am more like my mother since she's opened up. We grow stronger through the examples of those we respect and love.
As previously mentioned, I know how I have been blessed and I know that if this is it for me I'll be fine. I have so much more than I thought I could ever have in my marriage and Nate. I don't think there is anything medically wrong with me so when the time is right we might be able to add to our family. I just wanted to record a moment, a very small moment in my life, where I've learned a few things about myself. I think my maternal nature is stronger than I ever imagined, I am stubborn and selfish sometimes and I'm trying to get better at that, and above all I need have faith that the Lord knows what's best for me and I need to be able to be at peace with that until He further reveals to me what my path is here in this life. Until that comes, I pray that the Spirit will be with me and continue to teach me.
15 comments:
I think its great that you are expressing your feelings! And its okay to feel like that...I don't know what it was about yesterday, but you are the 3rd person including myself that had an exceptionally hard day yesterday! Maybe we all just need a kick in the butt! But don't lose hope all in due time! Enjoy this time with your little one!
Erin,
You're such a good mom to Nate. I hope you're blessed with another child soon. Whatever children end up coming to your home will be lucky to have such good parents!
I'm sorry to hear about you losing a baby. I had no idea. I think this post was beautifully written. You're right -- Heavenly Father has a plan for each of us. The trouble is trying to figure out what that is.
Erin,
Can we talk sometime this week? I'll call you. I need a little Erin time.
I am so sorry for your heartache. Thank you for sharing. I hope you start feeling better and that your hopes of growing your family come to fruition soon.
Erin, we haven't gotten together for a while now. We need to. I'm really glad that you decided to write about it. I personally think it helps a lot for women to do that, and what better way than a blog! I have a blog link on the sidebar of my blog called fertility stumpers that you should go check out. I think it's a great way for women to cope with this and you might find some great advice. I hope you feel better.
Erin, my heart goes out to you. Thank you for sharing. I agree blogging is a great way to express how we feel and somehow move on.
Thank you, everyone. It's really nice to have good friends and words of encouragement right now.
What a beautifully written post. Thank you for sharing such personal feelings - I wish you the warmest blessings of the Spirit in the coming days and I'll be thinking about you and praying for you and your family.
And - my brother is getting married in Idaho Falls in April. I do not remember what city you are in. Maybe we can meet up with you when we're up there???
Erin, I hope your dreams for another baby come true very soon. You have such a wonderful eternal perspective.
So, I nearly totally know how you feel. It took us 2 years to get pregnant with Dean, and the fertility doctor told us it could take up to 10! Before we went to the doctor it was such an up and down every month thinking, we just HAVE to get pregnant this month. How can we NOT?? I swear I know so much more about getting pregnant than my mom who had 7 kids! I knew we'd have kids since it talked about it in my Patriarchal Blessing, but I didn't know if I'd actually get to bear those kids or if we'd have to adopt! It was very stressful and I was on a constant roller coaster every month with anticipation.
The odd thing is, once I stopped tracking my cycle, stopped tracking my BBT, stopped thinking about it all the time, etc. we got pregnant. And then this time it happened in like 2-3 months!! What the??
Both times we just kept praying that we'd be able to add to our family when the timing was right. I'm very sure that the Lord knew the right timing for us on both accounts.
When it took a long time the first time, we prayed that we'd know what to do about it. It really calmed me down to go to the doctor and find out some whys.
Good luck with this all. It will all work out!!
Hey girl, I have my moments too and blogged about mine a while back. Just know that Nats is still my favorite kid I had in nursery. : )
Hey Erin. Long time no see :) I saw your blog link on the Mackrory's new blog. I can honestly say I know exactly how you feel, having experienced the same thing 4 months ago. It is a very hard thing to bear, but it does get easier. The overwhelming numbness of my experience has waned, and I now just experience momentary passings of pity or sadness. Knowing what you've expressed, that the Lord loves us and does have a plan, can be the most comforting and frustrating thing- when you want the plan to be different. Whenever I'm in full pity mode as my friends announce pregnancies and I feel abandoned, it has brought me great comfort knowing the Lord's plan is different each person, and the Lord knows what is best for me. Good luck in the weeks and months ahead, and know you are not alone in your feelings.
Hi Erin, I hope you don't mind that I read your blog every once in a while! I know I didn't get to know you very well in Chicago, but your husband was a great home teacher!
Anyway, thanks for sharing your thoughts. I know that can always help someone feel a little better. I can understand how frustrating and heartbreaking waiting to have a baby can be...it took us 3 1/2 years for Owen. I also didn't think anything was wrong with me medically, but we still ended up needing IVF! Hopefully you won't have to go all the way down that road. But, and this is the nurse in me talking, you might consider going to an OBGYN to see what they can do to help you. It could be something as simple as you have low progesterone. Or your ovulation is off. You never know. I really do hope that your desires become realities!
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